Usagi's Guide to Surviving Your Parents
by Sunnydaze
Summary: When an evil creep of a neighbor like Mamoru comes home for the summer, Usagi just knows there's going to be trouble


_Author's Note: _ _THIS_ little ficlet: I wrote it a while ago but I still think it's cute. Enjoy it if you can, if not don't read it, it won't hurt my feelings, since it's admittedly just a fluffball (I'm sorta partial to those.)

**Usagi's Guide to Surviving Your Parents**

**-I-**

            As always, it all began with my parents. First there was my Mama.

            Mama has this embarrassing habit of whipping out baby pictures every time I bring someone new home so most of the time, I don't even bother because the usual side effect is to be stuck with a face the color of tomatoes for the rest of the night. And if Daddy gets a hold of one of the boy? Then there's trouble since Daddy and Boys do not mix.

            This is why generally, when I do bring boys home, I just introduce them to my mother. Sadly, she cannot resist the lure of old photographs.

In most of them, I'm my usual adorably, cuddly self but then there are the ones where I'm running around naked in the yard or I am taking a bath. This is just the beginning. It gets worse. How could it possibly get worse, you ask? Well you must not have met my next door neighbor yet because that, buddy, is where all my problems begin, end, and begin again.

            I live next to this jerk named Mamoru Chiba. He's got four years on me and when we were younger, he used to rub it in _all_ of the time. The most embarrassing part (remember this is between you and me only) was the fact that I came pretty darn close to worshipping the ground Mamoru walked on. Yeah, I know. Talk about creepy. Unfortunately, Mama has plenty of pictures of me clinging to Mamoru's leg and gazing up at him with a foolish grin (I don't even want to think about it!) and home videos of Mamoru (moron!) yelling at me for interrupting him while he was reading. I ask you, what kind of seven year old prefers to read old stupid books instead of playing in the mud with a cute kid like me? These all substantiate the claims that I worshipped Mamoru. The ones his mother owns are even worse. I wouldn't put it past Mamoru to one day blow them up and hand them out on flyers. That's the kind of evil, sadistic creep he is.

            Next, there was my Daddy. I suppose you could say I was a Daddy's girl because my Daddy always spoiled me rotten. But there's a definite downside to being a Daddy's girl. Daddy has a habit of sitting on the front porch, stroking a rifle, when somebody male comes to call.

            Yep, this all adds up to a pretty much less than stellar social life for one Usagi Tsukino. Especially when the only fellow Daddy ever made an exception for was stupid Chiba. Don't ask me why because honestly, I haven't the slightest idea. It's not like Chiba deserved it or anything. Personally, I think that it's because that dope has made it perfectly clear that he wants nothing to do with me. Daddy _should_ have been torn between outrage that someone didn't adore his daughter and joy that there was one guy he didn't have to knife in an alley. Instead, he entirely ignored option one. Leave it to Daddy!

            "Usagi-chan!" a voice trilled. "Yoo-hoo! Don't tell me that Mr. Hottie is back and you didn't even call me!" That crazy named Minako bounded into my room, her face flushed from the sprint up the stairs. How she hadn't managed to twist her ankle considering the shoes she wears never ceases to amaze me.

            "Minako, you pervert!" I shrieked. "Do you even _know_ how disgusting that is?"

            "Usa, you sweet, innocent darling," Minako stretched, spinning around on her tip toes. "Mamoru has to be the most gorgeous guy I know and you completely waste the fact that he lives right next to you."

            "First," I grumbled, "I would prefer it if he lived on the other side of the planet instead of right next to me. Second, Chiba is not gorgeous! That's just so… wrong! His personality is revolting"

            "Say what you want," Minako sighed dreamily. "But I know you are in such denial. If you are not going to admit it, at least I can keep him all to myself."

            I frowned at her. Minako was a boy-crazy wacko from the loony planet Venus and it only confirmed her small IQ if she actually thought I was in denial. I was not in denial! "Minako don't even think about it!" The very notion made my stomach churn, and my eyes twitch, and my nostrils flare. As you can see, I practically have an allergic reaction whenever Chiba comes into conversation.

            Yes, indeed Mamoru Chiba was home for the summer and I, for one, was not thrilled. I had already spent the week previous to his homecoming planning out alternate escape routes from my house so that I would never ever have to see him all vacation. Fate had other plans. This morning my plans were dashed to smithereens by Mama when she announced at the breakfast table that the Chibas were coming over for a "dinner party" tonight and I was supposed to be presentable and friendly-like to said Chibas (the youngest particularly).

            "Mama!" I had wailed after spewing orange juice onto my plate. This only incurred another strike against the Chiba clan considering that the orange juice had just ruined my large helpings of bacon and eggs. I hadn't even had one little forkful yet!

            "Don't you 'mama' me, young lady," my mother scolded. "And don't you think I've forgotten what happened the last time we had the Chibas over either."

            Ah yes, the memorable time when I had succeeded in "accidentally" dumping soda all over Mr. Mamoru. Good times, good times…. My eyes glazed over for a moment in reminiscence before I shook myself out of it.

            "I, um, promise it won't happen again," I replied with my fingers conveniently crossed under the tablecloth.

            "Right," Mama replied doubtfully. "Darling, pass Usagi another plate please."

            "Hmm hmm," Daddy mumbled behind his newspaper. I rolled my eyes and grabbed a new plate for myself. Managing a new record for breakfast devouring- 01:04:02 minutes-, I quickly left the table to go bewail the misery of my life in my room.

            This brings us up to the present.

            "Minako," I suddenly pounced on my friend as if she were a lifesaver. Technically she could be, in more ways than one. If she hadn't been there, I might have fallen down the stairs with that leap.

            "Usa," Minako stumbled back under the sudden attack of weight. I clung to her for dear life.

            "Minako, you have to have dinner with me tonight."

            "Sweetie, I love you but I don't think I'm ready to explore my other… romantic… options yet."

            "_Mina_!" I flung myself away from her, horror making my face ruby red. "I didn't mean you had to eat dinner with me on a date. I meant you had to eat dinner here with my family tonight because the Chibas are coming over."

            "Oh," she blinked. "_Oh_. Well when you put it _that_ way, I'd be delighted to! Any dinner with delicious Mamoru is _the_ dinner for me."

            "It's not like he's the main course or anything," I grumbled under my breath.

            "That's what you think," Minako rubbed her hands together and licked her lips. Once she started mumbling plots to trap stupid Mamoru in the basement, I had to intervene.

            "Just because he's a jerk doesn't mean he's a prime piece of roast duckling and you can take as many helpings as you want!" I finally yelled.

            Minako giggled. "No, you're right. Only _you_ can take as many helpings as you want."

            Okay, I admit that here I was fuming and my face was red and that pretty soon steam was going to start rolling out of my ears. There is only so much of this idiotic twittily twattle I can take people!

            "For the last time," I shouted, "I do not like him!"

            "Denial," she shook her head pityingly. "It happens to the best of us. Well it's not going to stop you from catching the man of your dreams. To the closet!" and she struck a pose that wouldn't be very different from that of a brilliant evil mastermind who has just figured out how to _conquer the world_.

            Ahem. Anyways… sooo…. Back to my bedroom. A pile of clothing grew steadily bigger as Minako rooted around in my closet, shaking her head at some skirts, muttering under her breath about certain shirts, and grinning smugly as she produced a dress I thought I had thrown out ages ago.

            "Oh no, no way!" I exclaimed in shocked tones. "Mina, that hem is _inches_ from my knees."

            "Isn't it great?" Mina wiggled her eyebrows. "Mamoru won't be able to _resist_ you once you're all dressed up and your hair is done."

            "But I want him to resist me!" I growled. "I want him to stay as far away as he possibly can all evening."

            Minako merely smirked. I knew what she was thinking. _De-nial._ Maybe I should buy her a thesaurus so she could find a new word… wait a minute…no Usagi! No! That would only enable her! Oh well, it was just a thought.

**-II-**

            "Usagi, you precious child," Mrs. Chiba embraced me. "I swear you get more beautiful every day. Don't you think so, Mamoru?" Don't ask me how Minako managed to convince me to wear the little blue sundress but somehow I had ended up in it anyway. It was a pretty dress, light blue with ruffles along the hem and small rosebuds around the collar but I knew distinctly that I did not want to look pretty for a creep like Mamoru.

            "Of course Mum," Mamoru unfolded his glasses and perched them on his nose with a demonic grin. He inspected me carefully. "Little Usagi is _something_ all right." Jerk. Oh, I knew exactly what he meant by that!

            "Go and give him a hug," Mama hissed out of the side of her mouth as I narrowed my eyes at Mamoru and prepared to do battle. I stiffly wrapped my arms around him, fiercely loathing his amusement.

            "Lovely to see you again," I chewed out.

            "Always a pleasure," Mamoru agreed.

            "Jerk," I snarled softly in his ear as soon as Mama's eyes turned away.

            "Ditz," he retorted.

            "Nerd."

            "Odango."

            "Argh!" I growled, breaking away from his toxic embrace. Daddy fixed me with one of his sternest looks but I was more concerned with Minako's considering and weighing glance.

            "I don't like him!" I reminded her under my breath before Mrs. Chiba whisked me away through the kitchen and into the garden. By the expression on Minako's visage, I could tell she wasn't buying any of it.

            "How have you been, Usagi?" she asked me, pausing in front of a bed of tulips. "It's silly how we don't get a chance to talk even though we are next door neighbors."

            "I've been wonderful, thank you," I answered. Very wonderful knowing your nauseating son was a safe three hundred miles away from me. Mina was supposed to be here to rescue me from these sorts of encounters. Already I could see her chatting Mamoru up over a glass of lemonade. What a backstabber.

            "Your mother tells me you don't plan on going to college," Mrs. Chiba continued, somehow manipulating our steps so that we ended up rounding the corner of the house and settling down onto the swing on the front porch.

            "Yep," I hated school almost as much as I hated Chiba. There was no way I was actually going to dish out money for something I couldn't stand. Ridiculous if you ask me! Mrs. Chiba nodded in acceptance.

            As much as Mamoru Chiba was a pest, his mother was the exact opposite. In fact, we were very good friends during the pitiful, misguided phase in my life when I thought Mamoru was the earth and stars. Together, we used to plot how to lure Mamoru away from his books to come play with me. This usually required a bribe so Mrs. Chiba and I cooked often. Well really, it was more Mrs. Chiba cooking and me licking the bowl but that is beside the point.

            _In fact_, I remembered as I sat in amiable silence next to Mrs. Chiba. _The last time I attempted to bribe Mamoru, I gave him Mr. Pinkie._ Mr. Pinkie was my favorite stuffed rabbit. He was- as you can probably guess- alarmingly pink. I bet Mr. Pinkie was discarded into a waste basked as soon as I turned my back on Mamoru! You can't trust that type of people, you know. I hadn't thought of this memory in a long time… I must have unconsciously repressed it. Mamoru causes soo much trauma in my life. I could have murdered him with my um, murderous gaze but he wasn't in sight.

            "Usagi, Mrs. Chiba," Minako trilled as her head popped around the corner of the house. Her head looked like a giant golden fluff ball in the light from the sunset. "It's time for dinner."

"Wonderful!" Mrs. Chiba exclaimed, getting up from the swing. "Your mother was telling me that she had the most _exquisite_ new recipe for the rice that her cousin sent her." She hurried into and through the house to the patio where the dinner was going to be served.

"Usagi, Mamoru is the greatest guy I have ever met!" Minako sighed dreamily as I slowly made my way into the house as well. Excuse me?! "We've had the most delightful conversation about the stars and the myths…."

Blah, blah, blah. She was here to rescue me, not enjoy talking to the world's biggest nemesis. I speeded my pace up so I didn't have to listen to her rambling anymore. Not to mention, I had just gotten a whiff of something delicious. I wonder how good that new rice recipe would turn out?!

**-III-**

"Hmmm, this is great Mama!" I mumbled happily around a mouthful of rice. I waved my chopsticks for emphasis and (this was a complete accident, naturally) managed to drop a decent amount of rice in Mamoru's lap. He glared at me.

Of course, Mama just couldn't resist seating me right next to Mamoru for her own sick reasoning. Minako was across from me. Minako, Mama, and Mrs. Chiba kept giving Mamoru and me sneaky looks which made me a little suspicious. I think Mamoru was starting to get suspicious too, from the frown on his face. Or maybe that's just because he had rice in his lap.

"Mamoru," his mother began in an attempt for more conversation. Daddy and Mr. Chiba were too busy eating and talking business to join in. "Did you know that Usagi isn't planning on going to college after she graduates?"

Oh cruel fates, kill me now! Mamoru's mouth kept twitching and I knew he wanted to snicker. "What a surprise!" he said, obviously not surprised at all. "So what do you plan to do after you graduate? Not get _married_, I hope.

"Nooo," I growled. "I'm going to beauty school."

I give Mamoru props that he accepted this with a straight face.

"Lovely."

"I never knew this, Usagi!" Mama exclaimed. "When were you planning on telling your family?!"

Never. "I hadn't had a chance yet. Kameko asked me if I would join with her and I thought it sounded like a fun idea!"

"How exciting!" Mrs. Chiba said. Mamoru continued smirking at me. Needless to say, the rest of the meal was spent uncomfortably by me. Although dropping rice into Mamoru's lap was always a bright pick-me-up whenever I felt too bad. And his each of his glares had to be worth at least ten giggles for sure.

"Oh, _clumsy_ me! I'm _sooo_ _sorry_ darling Mamoru!"

**-IV-**

"Ouch," I grumbled as I tripped over Minako and face first into my closed door. I glanced behind me and by some miracle she remained asleep with a light snore coming from her pillow. Mina never believes me when I tell her that she snores. How's that for trust, huh? Like I would lie about something little like snoring.

I thumped down the stairs, hardly believing the time the clock said in the kitchen. I looked for the newspaper so I could read the comics. No way! I was up before the newspaper was even in the house?! When had this ever happened before? Try never.

"Wow," I said to myself in astonishment. Obviously my inner peace had been so disturbed by dinner last night that my usual schedule had been messed up. But being the cheerful, independent young woman I am I decided that I guess I could manage to get my own newspaper. I trotted along to the front door and opened it to a fountain of sunlight which was a shock coming from the shaded interior of my house. I blinked quickly, to get the spots out of my eyes. Yay! I could see again!

I noticed there was a disturbance at the Chiba homestead as a door creaked open and Mamoru walked outside, yawning- IN JUST HIS BATHROBE! I could see his chest! Quickly I averted my eyes, before the sight was burned into my retina and blinded me. That was before I realized that I was wearing only a pair of shorts and a tee shirt that exposed a bit of my belly. I pouted. I really wanted those funnies! The only problem was how to get to the paper without Mamoru seeing me, my stomach, and my neon blush.

The general idea had been to stealthily approach the newspaper and then sprint home before Mamoru noticed me. How could such a well thought out plan be doomed to fail? Well, let me tell you buddy, fail it did.

The first sign that there was a problem was when it appeared that Mamoru and I were approaching the same newspaper. He stopped. I stopped. We shared a mutual dagger glance.

This is where background music from an old cowboy showdown would come in.

"That," said Mamoru slowly, like he was talking to a dunce, "is my newspaper."

I totally forgot what we were wearing in my rage. "Yeah right, jerk! It's mine." We dove for the paper at the same time. Stupid paper boys, I thought, can't even do their job right!

"Hey, that's my newspaper!" I yelled, struggling to grab said paper from Mamoru. "Ha!" Oops, it was just an advertisement for Motoki's new arcade. I growled as Mamoru sprawled on top of me, effectively pinning me into the dewy grass.

"Go get your own newspaper," he grumbled vaguely waving a hand in the direction of my lawn. "Do you really have to resort to stealing a blind man's paper?" He caught me in a direct gaze. Must… keep away… from his eyes. They gave you the feeling that he knew every dark secret of your soul. Which was probably true in my case, Mamoru had a knack for finding out about all of my dirt. I bet it was from Minako, the backstabber!

"Don't be such a moron," I retorted, vainly attempting to elbow his body off of mine. "You aren't blind."

"I wouldn't be so cocky," Mamoru squinted at me. "Wait- it looks like you have a bug on your face."

"What?" I screeched, grabbing the front flaps of his robe. "Get it off, get it off!"

A warm hand brushed against my cheek and Mamoru's face contorted as he tried vainly to see the insect. "I'm going to get closer," he explained, his face lowering until his nose was only a mere centimeter from mine.

"Is it gone?" I asked a trifle breathlessly. A wicked grin crept into his expression and Mamoru winked.

"I think it is," he informed me. And then he kissed me. I'm not talking about a little peck on the cheek or anything of that nature either. This was a right-on-the-lips kind of kiss, soft and warm but with a little hint of a spicy passion…. Ah, I could have kissed him forever.

He drew away, leaving me in a rather rumpled state. You would be in that state too if it had happened to you!

"I should apologize but I'm not going to," he whispered in my ear, once again sending shivers down my back with his warm breath, "because I'm not sorry."

"You're not sorry," I repeated dumbly.

"I've wanted to do that for a long time."

"For a long time," introducing Usagi! The broken record!

"Mamoru is my god."

"Mamoru is my-" wait a minute.

"Are you just going to keep repeating what I say?" he interrupted with a laugh before I could realize what was going on.

"Are you jus- hey, who do you think you are, you creep?" I suddenly yelped, pushing away from him and scuttling across the lawn on my bottom. "You said you couldn't see anything without your glasses!"

Mamoru grinned sheepishly but only for a moment. He just wasn't meant to be sheepish. So instead he answered unrepentantly, "I lied."

"What?" I demanded shrilly. "You almost made me go get that stupid newspaper just because you were too lazy to get your own?"

He leaned back on his hands and squinted against the sun. "When you put it that way... yes."

"Argh!" I growled. Now what was I going to do? My evil neighbor had just kissed the breath out of me and had kept the newspaper to boot. Well, if you ask me, there was only one real plan of action to take:_ I_ leaned forward and kissed _him_. After pausing in surprise, he threw the newspaper over his shoulder and pulled me onto his lap.

"Whoo hoo!" Minako shrieked leaning out of the window. "Go Usagi!"

"Aw, I always knew this would happen!" Mama sniffled before diving for the phone to tell Mrs. Chiba the good news. I'm just glad Dad was still asleep; there was no telling what he would do if he caught his daughter making out with Mamoru Chiba in broad daylight, on his front lawn, with only her pajamas on! You know, I think he might have had a heart attack before he managed to get to his rifle.

"What are you thinking about?" Mamoru asked, holding me close. "Mamoru is my god?"

"No way!" I winked. "I was thinking, 'You know, Mamoru doesn't kiss as well as I thought he would.'"

"Hey!" Mamoru yelped, his face a vision of affront. He started to look very sly. "Well you know, _Usagi_, I'm just going to have to kiss you until you change your mind!"

"Fine by me!"

Needless to say, I was blissfully occupied for a _very_ long time. But Minako beat me to the comics.

**The end!!**


End file.
